Windows Registry Conspiracies

Flying Saucer, Cup & Teapot
Photo by Mr Thinktank

After many years of digging through the Windows Registry for various purposes, unbelievably not all of them purely masochistic, I have discovered a few keys that are amazingly well hidden. So well hidden, in fact, that many would claim that they don’t exist. Ignore those people, they are just agents of the Triluminati Council on Bilderberg-Bohemian Relations and they want to keep these keys to themselves.

To see these keys you need a special version of Regedit.exe. I would point you to a download for it, but if I did it would be immediately removed by the powers that be. You may be able to get a copy from the
Time Cube guy.

Hold on to your mad hats as we see how deep this rabbit hole goes.

HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\HARDWARE\Intel\Quantum\Enabled

This key enables the quantum components of your processor allowing you to decrypt everything like in that movie Sneakers. Normally only the NSA and Proctor and Gamble have access to this key.

HKEY_CURRENT_USER\LCDScanner\Brain

This is where the most recent scan of your brain taken by your flat screen monitor is stored. This scan can be avoided by either wearing a tinfoil hat or by going back to a giant CRT monitor. The tinfoil hat would be less embarrassing, though.

HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SOFTWARE\CIA
HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SOFTWARE\NSA
HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SOFTWARE\KGB
HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SOFTWARE\Mossad

Depending on where you bought your computer one or more items like these will be present. In typical government intelligence fashion, it appears that they don’t follow the Windows development guidelines and store things that should never go in the registry. PGP backdoor decryption code should always go in .dll files.

HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SOFTWARE\OSI
HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SOFTWARE\NKVD

Same as above, but only on really old computers.

HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\System\Crash\Roswell

Stored here are little bits and pieces of alien software which blue screened on your computer in the distant past. Shortly after initially displaying the contents of the key the system will rename it Crash\WeatherBalloon. Don’t be fooled.

HKEY_TRUTHER

This key actually holds the real registry used by your computer, and it’s very different than the “official” registry you’ve been told about. Apparently all blue screens, freezes, and odd behavior are coming from the system. Do you really think that a handful of hardware driver writers are capable of pulling it off? I don’t think so.

HKEY_CURRENT_USER\Software\TheRye\TheCatcher

If you see this key then you have been programmed as a sleeper assassin. Delete it immediately!

HKEY_LOCAL_SYSTEM\System\RickRoll\Disable

Set this key to DWORD 1 in order to prevent being Rick Rolled, as detailed in this tutorial.