What’s in your armpit? Designer perfume for System Administrators

After a standard 22 hour shift of remote software deployment, getting medieval on UAC and completely wrecking the registry many 
System Administrators kind of create their own scent. If only Ralph Lauren could isolate the chemicals that our IT bretheren and sisters produce, an entirely new line of perfumes and colognes would spew forth. Here are a few potential products that come to mind as I recall the aromas of cluttered cubes and server rooms in my past:

  1. WMI Access Denied Mist – A rich blend of Green Monster and Cheetos. This cologne is known to leave an orange residue on your fingers and, subsequently, on your keyboard as you try and figure out the damn WMI security.
  2. Essence of Registry – Get lost in the blend of Outlaw Beef Jerky and Room Temperature black coffee (Folgers, of course).
  3. Infinity by Loop – This is the scent that, like that recursive sub-routine you wrote this morning, will never, ever end. The ingredients are a hodge-podge of Mongolian BBQ mixed with some Kimchee your co-worker swore that you’d love.
  4. Gamer by Gaultier – Oh yes, the cologne of gamers: Forget old-school BO and flatulence we now have Pizza Pockets and Natty (or whatever else your roommate has to drink in his fridge). Mix these ingredients with 3 day old skid marks and navel lint that the EPA now considers an official marsh and you have the perfect essence of the notorious Sys Admin Gamer.
  5. Hommes Taches de Traspiration (Men’s Perspiration Stains) – This French cologne will ensure your legacy as the go-to-guy for all things BASH. 
  6. Stallman by Richard Stallman (self-explanatory)
  7. LDAP by FCUK – The French Connection finally came through with a perfume that the ladies will love. Spritz this little joy on you at your next Microsoft Tech-Ed appearance and watch the booth babes weeping from loneliness as you run to the nearly deserted Women’s restrooms to plan your ultimate exit strategy.
  8. UAC by Morgoth – This is the first cologne whose active ingredient is profanity. Trying to get that code to run as a service under UAC?  This is actually a good starting point to play the Windows System Administrator Drinking Game.
    Mix in a 5th of Jack, some office violence and you have UAC by Morgoth.
  9. Chamber of Halitosis by Tom Ford – Mix that 22 hour shift with in-N-out burgers, Cartesian Joins, chronic gingivitis and 7 straight years of abstinence and you have the ultimate Sys Admin aroma. Free, at no extra charge, you will avoid promotions into management, mandatory meeting attendance and, indeed, all human contact.

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